The young man looks up at the night sky, calling out to the celestials that govern it so loftily. Why, he asks, doe such divine canon exist, that he would bear loneliness alongside the wolf. They howl together at the heavenly bodies, in hopes that they would answer their prayers. Such barely lasted the last of their echoes, knowing that since they haven’t answered before directly, only in obscure riddles and abstract signs, why should they do so differently now? Though the world says he tries in vain, the young man remains watchful for a sign from the great lights, believing and hoping they would change their minds and grant him this one wish: to not be alone like the wolf. That other that would fill the emptiness in his being, what would that person be like? Is she looking at the same moon, calling out to the divine governing entities, hoping they would grant her the same wish the young man wished? Or is she crying out to the stern fathers of the night, asking why she must remain so miserable underneath their abysmal gaze? What might be warring within her heart that would make her look to the gods in hopes for a miracle?to turn away from the harshness and cruelty of reality in hopes for solace, peace and tranquility inside? The man can only guess in his mind, as though they exist together on the same planet, the same timespace, the same world, they yet remain a universe apart by the divine canon of god, not knowing when if at all they’ll ever meet.
With so little time left, so much to do, to look forward to, why do I lack the motivation to move forward in my life? Would psychology tell me that I am being a slow-to-warm-up kind of person who doesn’t like change but will eventually accept it? Am I simply being lazy and like those people my dad always tells me will get nowhere in life? Or am I forcing myself to hold back for some reason? Why can’t I get out there and experience life somewhere where I can grow and learn about myself and about the world? Do other kids feel this way? Are there people right now who feel like they’re holding themselves back for some reason? Or am I the only one who’s feeling that way? Is that I’m really forcing myself or am I just not even trying? I told myself I wanted to go somewhere, do something, but there’s still something that’s nagging me at the back of my mind. Is it because I haven’t found something to grasp, or is it that I found something and my parents don’t seem to support it? Why am I feeling like my parents aren’t supporting what I want to do other than the ministry? Is it just my imagination, and they’re simply letting me choose my own life, or is it really that they want me to do something worthwhile? Asking questions doesn’t seem to help, so why do I keep asking them like a philosopher who’s looking for an answer to a presupposed unanswerable question? Is that the kind of person I am, looking for answers to the unanswerable?
It seems now that the answer was in the questions themselves. I knew the answers from the start, but it seems that I do not want to accept them. That thing that’s holding me back is fear of the unknown. Fear that I might make a fatal mistake, fear that things will never return to the way they were before, that I would be abandoned, rejected, lonely, depressed, hurt, anxious, but ultimately I fear getting lost in a grey, shrouded world. There is no light that can help me on my way through the thick murky depths, the sloughs of desponds, the hills of difficulty, no one to show me to the wicket gate, the palace beautiful, to the celestial city. I’m only just beginning my journey, and here I am already doubting, fearing and worrying over the things that God told me specifically not to worry about because just as he clothes the lily and feeds the sparrow, how much more would He, God of Gods, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, the Creator of the Universe, clothe me in splendor and equip me for every good work for His glory.
That is the answer: faith alone through grace in Christ the Savior, the Lion and the Lamb, the Last Prophet, Last Priest, the Final, Everlasting King, and my oldest brother, the one I never had.
There’s definitely something to it whenever my parents joke about me not being able to do one thing or another. Evan can potentially play over six different instruments, Carolyn excels at ballet, justin’s a sport and music prodigy, and Evelyn’s naturally intelligent. So what am I? Does my theological knowledge bring anythig to the table? No. My dad’s the one with the vast theological knowledge. Maybe I’m good at housekeeping. Nope. Got a supermom. Studying? Nothing compared to Carolyn. Sports? Not a natural at all. What am I good at? Leadership? Like hell. I can’t even be patient with my own peers and students in elementary. If anything, I’m just good at being wrong all the time since my dad is able to find fault in everything I say and do. Can’t even make decent friends since I’m so different from everyone else. Nothing to talk about at all not to mention that I’m socially awkward. I guess I’m ranting since my parents always praise my siblings and tell me I need to be more humble. I guess they’re right. Self pity’s gonna get me nowhere anyway.
As I wake up this morning, I remember the rebuke I gave to my sixth graders for Awana. Little josh’s face is still fresh in my mind; upset, guilty, angry, irritated, annoyed, frustrated. I feel bad for him and Matthew, but I guess I reminded myself why I had done that. I could see that their future would be just like those other guys who think their Christian life is in order when they don’t even bother to read the Word at all other than on Friday night bible studies (IF they go) or on Sundays (and their even late showing up for that). am I asking for perfection? No!! On the contrary! Apostle John says in 1 John that we should aim for perfect not in and of itself but as a response of the perfect grace and mercy that’s been shown through the salvific work of Christ. Even now as I am writing this and having been thinking about it, I realize that it is not in my place to tell anyone that their christian life is no good because my own is corrupt and nowhere near enough. Even so brothers an sisters, I want each and everyone of us to hold each other accountable for our Christian lives. I know I am one to talk, but I have faith in Christ that everything I do is now for the glory of my god who created the universe, named and called each and every one of his children by name into the heavenly realm above while forsaking his one and only son without even a second thought. That is the god I follow, and I want anyone who knows this gospel to feel the same and do anything and everything for the glory of God the Father in heaven.
